The video below features German actress Lana Cooper’s nude sex scenes from the film “Bedways,” enhanced in high definition.

The Germans are such a stern and serious people that even their sex scenes come across as cold and mechanical, with this one in particular being about as erotically charged as a tax audit. One really feels for our Muslim brothers conquering this backwards and barbaric land, for even as they culturally enrich the women in the Berlin back alleys it must be a dispassionate affair with half-hearted “neins” echoing in the same tone that they use to order sauerkraut.

Yes, where is the fun in these frigid Fräuleins? Our Muslim brothers left behind women who moan like air-raid sirens and move like they’re possessed by a thousand horny jinn, only to end up balls-deep in a humorless Valkyrie whose idea of dirty talk is “Don’t forget to separate the recycling afterward, Abdul.” By the time she finally squeaks out a government-approved orgasm (precisely 6.3 seconds, per EU regulation), the poor conqueror’s dick has already filed for political asylum.